Archibald the Advise-Giving Tortoise

(This is best read out loud in a dramatic voice to whoever is around)

I walked through the forest, sighing deeply. It was not just the lush green trees and soft breeze that inspired these long breaths of longing. And though my eyes were looking at the sweet honeysuckles hanging from the canopy, all I could see was his sweet face. I leaned against a tree, lamenting the situation I knew shamefully well. I could never touch him, never hold him, he’d never be mine, he didn’t even know I was there. All I could do was think about him…. all day…. over and over and over.

The truth was, I was once again in love….. with a fictional character.

As I sat weeping on the forest floor, imagining the adventures we could go on together if only he were here. I cried, “Why must I love fictional characters so much!”

Suddenly I heard a deep voice next to me. “Perhaps I can be of some help,” it said.

I spun around, and to my surprise found a tortoise sitting next to me.

Archibald the Tortoise

“Who are you?”

“My name is Archibald. I think I can help you.”  Said the tortoise. “My full title is Archibald the Advice-Giving Tortoise. I give advise to those who need it, and it sounds to me like you need my help.

“Now, you are having problems with fictional characters, specifically your feelings for them, correct? Now if these characters are from a movie or television show, your course is clear. First you must project all of your feelings for the character onto the actor who plays the character. Then you must obsess over the actor, stalk him, spare no expense to be at every public appearance. (Creepy fan letters telling him how you want to bear his children are always nice.)

“Now If the character you have so pathetically (I use the word in it’s older sense, so don’t be offended) fallen for is from a book, you have more options. First, you could project your feelings onto the author, and treat him as you would an actor. But if the author is undesirable for whatever reason you can still obsess over the character. The easiest way to feed your obsession is through drawings and fan-fic; but what is better, if you can manage it, is to find someone who looks something like the character, befriend them, and convince, bribe, or threaten them into dressing, speaking, and acting like the character. This will never backfire.

“Now these are only some suggestions, but the one thing you must remember is to never let your obsession go. Do not under any circumstance treat the character as if he was a pretend person, made up just to be entertaining. That would be unhealthy.”

“Umm….. thank you. I think that helps.” I said, giving him a confused smile. I did not know what to think if his advice, but it was at least interesting. I thought to myself, “Maybe others could use his words of wisdom.” So I decided to take him with me, and give him a home on my blog.

So if you need advice on anything at all, leave a comment because Archibald is on call!



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